The Dice Decide Once More

March 16th, 2009

It is the 16th of March, day of the death of the Emperor Nero and (I need hardly point out) 349th anniversary of the disbanding of the British Long Parliament. All over the world, people are putting on their tricorn hats back to front, painting their faces puse, and setting fire to the traditional suet and gelatine Long Parliament Cakes. Here at we are celebrating in a slightly different way. Yes, by giving away, YES, GIVING AWAY a signed, lined, and dated proof copy of one of the MOST IMPORTANT fantasy books to be released in the UK on 18th June 2009 – Best Served Cold.

Once again the dice will decide from the – now – 273 applications received.

And the dice say…

That the…

2 hundred

and 19th application is victorious.

Yes, Mark Rowell, you are a winner. And he must read Best Served Cold before everyone else because…

“due to the credit crunch, I have taken to reading by candlelight to help reduce my fuel costs. Last night, in a fit of sheer pleasure whilst reading Last Argument Of Kings, I knocked over the afore mentioned candle, causing it to set fire to my book collection. My books are my only source of entertainment; they also double as my bed. You can only imagine my dismay when the books caught fire. I never even noticed it had happened until my large, unkempt pubic mound, was suddenly ablaze with a strange orange glow. At first the warmth was a welcome rest from the usual draft in my nether regions, but after a short while, the pain and panic set in. If it wasn’t for my friend Barnaby Blowhard’s quick thinking, and powerful lungs, the fire would have spread to my belly fluff and I wouldn’t be here to tell you the story. Now, I am glad I survived; it’s just that life really isn’t worth living without books, and a left testicle. You are the only man who could ease my pain. Please, the book would mean so much to me and my remaining ball bag.”

My god, it’s almost exactly how I lost my left testicle.

Mark Rowell, you lucky thing, you should be in receipt of an email from me soliciting your address and desired inscription. The rest of you should swallow your crushing disappointment, though, because there is still time to win a proof of Best Served Cold. That’s right. On April 1st I shall select the completion of the sentence, “I must read Best Served Cold before everyone else because…” that pleases me the most…

Can you smell the tension?

Posted in Uncategorized by Joe Abercrombie on March 16th, 2009.

11 comments so far

  • ape says:

    “one of the MOST IMPORTANT fantasy books to be released in the UK on 18th June 2009 – Best Served Cold.”

    Are there any other fantasy releases on 18th June 2009?

  • Captain Joe says:

    Marky, you son of a gun!

    Fate hands you this round, my friend, but I shall persevere.

    Congrats, dude.

    Was it worth a maimed ball bag, though?

  • Swainson says:

    Alex Bell has a book out called Jasmyn out on 18th June 2009.

  • marky says:

    Joe, what a weekend. I went up to Loch Awe for a spot of fishing, and not only did I fail to catch a fish, but it rained for the entire weekend. And, because starting a fire was near impossible, even with my Ray Mears kindling, I spent most of the weekend freezing my moobs off!
    I did get a fire started eventually, only to burn a wad of my hair when the bastard caught alight. (No bollocks damaged this time, promise)So, today I went to the barbers to sort the do out, and ended up with a bob. I now look like Hurly, from lost.

    And, if that wasn’t bad enough, I went to see Watchmen with my girlfriend, who insisted on talking about Doctor Manhattans willy. I ask you, how’s a guy supposed to compete with a seven-foot smurf chopper? I’m sending a letter to Gordon Brown, nudity on the big screen should be banned.
    Anyway, what was turning out to be a shite weekend, suddenly turned into my favourite weekend this year when I checked my emails. All I need now is Springsteen to pull me up on stage at Glastonbury (Just like Courteney Cox, in the dancing in the dark video. Don’t judge me!), and I can die happy.

    Captain Joe, I’d give my right nut for a book about Crummock. And that’s probably the reason God gave me two……Probably.

    Marky, happier than a pig in shit.

  • Anonymous says:

    Joe, why didn’t you send him a new testicle? I’m sure he would’ve appreciated.

  • Anonymous says:

    “how’s a guy supposed to compete with a seven-foot smurf chopper?”

  • Heather H says:


    I will send you my reason for needing your next master piece tomorrow but the reason for this comment is to ask if you would be so kind to respond to the BOOK of the MONTH club that I just started on author Brent Weeks Ning site. I have set the 18th of April as the day for people to jot down their response to The Blade Itself. I put your book up first because if it wasn’t for you I would not have fallen back in love with what fantasy can be and if wasn’t for your trilogy I would have never tried Brent’s trilogy and now hold you both as the authors to beat in my world! You both have taken fantasy to another level. Those of his fans who have not read you and are hungry for a tale to read while Brent plugs away on his next book will love your stuff. I mean brillant does not cover it! If you can pop over and answer some quesitons that would be awesome…I know that Brent Weeks himself will be emailing you soon asking you if you would stop by…I know that he will be more put together than this rambling fan.

  • booklover says:

    How do this contest happen? Do we e-mail or comment on the blog?

  • Jason says:


    the dates past now but the original post is still on the main page blog page (third from the bottom I think) you can take a look at it there

  • Ape, Swainson,
    Chris Woodings rather good (though not as good as me) Retribution Falls is also out that day, I believe.

    Captain J,
    I can see both nuts might be a high price to pay for a proof of Best Served Cold, but no true fan could balk for a minute at giving up just one.

    How to compete with a seven-foot smurf-chopper? Technique, mate, technique.

    I have none to spare.

    Heather H,
    Sure, I’d be happy to come over and answer some questions, as long as none of Brent’s fans make me cry. I cry very easily.

    If you click on the competitions link on the sidebar, it should bring up the relevant post. There’s still a little time…

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